Thank you, 2015!

For a very blessed and fruitful year. Thank you! 

Everyday miracle

Just when I was about to give in and sulk in pain, just when I was about to bury another memory in my heart and move along with a pained heart, I came across this message from Pope Francis. 

BEING HAPPY

by Pope Francis

"You may have defects, be anxious and sometimes live irritated, but do not forget that your life is the greatest enterprise in the world. Only you can prevent it from going into decadence. There are many that need you, admire you and love you.

I would like to remind you that being happy is not having a sky without storms, or roads without accidents, or work without fatigue, or relationships without disappointments.

Being happy is finding strength in forgiveness, hope in one’s battles, security at the stage of fear, love in disagreements.

Being happy is not only to treasure the smile, but that you also reflect on the sadness. 

It is not just commemorating the event, but also learning lessons in failures. 

It is not just having joy with the applause, but also having joy in anonymity.

Being happy is to recognize that it is worthwhile to live, despite all the challenges, misunderstandings and times of crises.

Being happy is not inevitable fate, but a victory for those who can travel towards it with your own being.

Being happy is to stop being a victim of problems but become an actor in history itself. 

It is not only to cross the deserts outside of ourselves, but still more, to be able to find an oasis in the recesses of our soul. 

It is to thank God every morning for the miracle of life.

Being happy is not being afraid of one's feelings. It is to know how to talk about ourselves. It is to bear with courage when hearing a "no". 

It is to have the security to receive criticism, even if it is unfair. 

It is to kiss the children, pamper the parents, have poetic moments with friends, even if they have hurt us.

Being happy means allowing the free, happy and simple child inside each of us to live; having the maturity to say, "I was wrong"; having the audacity to say, "forgive me". 

It is to have sensitivity in expressing, "I need you"; to have the ability of saying, "I love you." 

So that your life becomes a garden full of opportunities for being happy...

In your spring-time, may you become a lover of joy. In your winter, may you become a friend of wisdom. 

And when you go wrong along the way, you start all over again. Thus you will be more passionate about life. 

And you will find that happiness is not about having a perfect life but about using tears to water tolerance, losses to refine patience, failures to carve serenity, pain to lapidate pleasure, obstacles to open the windows of intelligence.

Never give up .... Never give up on the people you love. Never give up from being happy because life is an incredible show. 

And you are a special human being!"

I felt really moved and couldn't help but cry. He speaks to me all the time, especially when I needed it the most. 

He is always so accurate and precise and he never ceases to amaze me. I am cery grateful for this moment. It is my little miracle. 

Sobrang thank you, Lord. Thank you for touching me, for giving a shoulder to lean on. Thank you. Thank you. 

Unexplained Pain

Today, I'm feeling so much pain. 

It's too painful that I couldn't even explain it. Most of the time I question myself, Do I deserve this? 

You see, I have a lot of locked emotions inside me and as much as possible I try to keep it that way. Why? Because I do not want to burden anybody. I don't want to explain, I don't need an advise and most especially, I don't want to be judged. 

My mind has been so restless, I couldn't sleep or eat well. I  have so many things going inside my head. How I wish I was just being overly dramatic about it. But I am not. 

I am so afraid that I might lose all what's left and just give up. I am afraid of the mere thought of considering it because I know that when I decide, there's no turning back. 

I want the pain to go away, I want the bad memories to go away. I just want all of these to go away. 

Losing it

So I was checking my previous notes in my laptop and found out that last June 2014 was also the time that I was praying so hard for something to happen. Well, I guess, most of  my Junes were always about waiting.

It was almost the same time this year that I was desperately wanting to get something but it just did not happen and yes I know there were better reasons. 

But, honestly, I am really starting to lose hope. :( 

It may sound crazy and contradicting, considering that I was full of confidence the last time I blogged about this and now here I am.. doubting all the remaining hope I've got. 

xx

Let your faith be bigger than your fears.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in a prayer,
believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. - Mark 11:24

It has been crazy for the past weeks, I had to finish and accomplish a lot of things because I was following a strict timeline and at one point it felt like I was drowning with the things I wanted to accomplish all at the same time. I wanted so many things to happen, I wanted it really bad because I knew that it will be another milestone not just for me but for my family as well. 

By nature, I am very persistent. I always try to make things happen (borderline - brat) and do whatever I can to get what I want and it disappoints me if I fail to get it. I also tend to overthink and analyze, I always try to view all sides of the spectrum, run down all the what ifs inside my head and just basically think about everything that could go wrong! I feel that if I don't think about it, it would just simply make everything worse and all the more that it might just not happen.